An important detail I didn't mention...

September 13, 2022

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I just received a message on from the blog page, it made me realize that I haven’t shared some details that people might find helpful in understanding.

I asked the person if I could share their message and they kindly agreed. Basically, she is wondering why I don’t just call my partner or fight to get her back.

Currently we are taking space apart to work on ourselves. In this time, she has asked for no contact and I am respecting that boundary. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Of course, I want to call her, take her flowers, stand outside her house playing her a song that tells her exactly how I feel, scoop her up in my arms, hold her close and show her how much I am in love with her. Since I can’t do that, I would settle to just tell her about all the work I am doing, the progress I am making and that I haven’t changed my mind, in fact, quite the opposite. I would love to let her know that I am still, so in love with her.

The time we have been spending apart, I have been using to heal my core wounds, get in touch with myself, and do the work that I need to do. With the liberty to dedicate all my time to this, it has been my highest priority. There is always a part of me that is afraid that she will change her mind, that one day I will get a call saying that she no longer has the desire to have me in her life. The last thing I would want is for her to make her decision without knowing everything that I have done to show up differently, the person I am becoming and see confident I am in my knowledge and abilities. So, when I get this feeling, I close my eyes and breathe through it. Telling myself that if she changed her mind, I would have known, and then I picture the best-case scenario. (Something I used to fail at regularly)

On the flip side, everyday I am hopeful that I get a call or message from her just to let me know that she still loves me, that I am on her mind, or better… that she would like to get together to discuss the work we have been doing independently. She is the person that would best understand and appreciate all the work that I am doing, what I am learning. I know she would be as proud of me as I am of myself. She has always been supportive and I have always appreciated that. She gets as excited about this stuff as I do. We were always able to go to dinner and talk about things like this for hours and hours, until they would close the restaurant down. The conversations never got old and just built a stronger bond between us. I really miss that connection.

It has been a month without contact and it is not getting any easier at all. Our agreement was to wait until January 13, 2023… but I will be honest, I don’t know if I can take it that long. They say that space helps you get over someone, but in my case, it only makes my heart grow fonder. I still choose to honor the agreements that we had while in the relationship and that is not the problem. I don’t need anyone else to take her place in a romantic, physical, intellectual or emotional aspect. That has no interest to me as she is the one that I want. A buddy of mine (before he understood how much she means to me) said that I should just go out and party up and forget about her, bang some random chicks. (He can be a little blunt) After I explained how import she was to me and what I wanted for the future, he actually apologized. He changed his advice and told me to do what I needed to do, keep following my path and it will all work out. He said that he has never seen me this in love before and it was amazing. That meant a lot coming from him.

To sum it up… YES, I want to fight for her more than anything but if I do that, then I am not respecting her boundaries. So, I will keep on my path, I will keep learning and growing every day. I know that I am not the man I was before and I like this version of me. I am enough and I am worthy of that kind of love. Hopefully she feels like she wants to contact me before January 13. If she does, I WILL be ready. If she does not, then I will still be ready on January 13, it will just be really hard last that long without her in my life. I still feel her energy and the connection between us and I never want to lose that.

Each day, my inner teenage girl comes out and I listen to our playlist, I look at pictures of us together, and I think about the changes I am making. Make no mistake, I make these changes so that I can be a better version of myself and grow in ways that astound me daily. However, I also see the other areas of my life that this could benefit. Doing this shows me how my previous way of showing up has caused me heartache and immense sadness. It also lets me know that the person I am becoming can have that love in his life and deserves a wonderful partner, and will be able to show up as an equal partner.

There is a song that she and I sang together at karaoke. The song is “Nobody But You”, by Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani. Three sets of lyrics play over and over in my head, “I don’t wanna dream about you. Wanna wake up with you next to me”, “When you love someone, they say you set them free. But that ain’t gonna work for me” and “I’ve been thinking about what I want in my life. It begins and ends the same. If I had to choose what I couldn’t lose, there’d only be one thing.”

I know, I know… that is soooo cheesy but I am not afraid to show that side of me and in fact, I am proud of it. It is me, without the masks and I like that guy. I fully accept who I am.