Attachment Style

September 13, 2022

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A while back, my partner turned me on to something that I was totally unaware of, attachment styles. In my research into the topic, I learned that there were only 4: Anxious (pre-occupied), Avoidant, Disorganized and Secure. People can have attributes of different attachment styles, but they will associate with one more than the rest. It was east to see that I fell into the anxious attachment category.

Your attachment style is developed during childhood and if you are unaware of it or don’t do anything to change it, it will persist throughout your life. Later, she pointed me toward a book that breaks the attachment styles down further and in a way that really landed. I can’t speak in specifics to other attachment styles, as I have spent my life stuck in this style and acting accordingly. What I am learning is that you don’t have to be stuck in this style, repeating the same pattern over and over. You have the power to change as long as you have the desire and the willingness to do so. More on that in a bit, but know that the goal is to be secure, not insecure.

The description of the anxious/preoccupied could not more accurately described the way that I have been in the past. The book gives examples of things that a person with this attachment style might say. When I heard the following statement, I could completely identify: “I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a partner, however, when my partner gives me reassurance or show their desire for me, it either doesn’t register for me or I have trouble receiving or believing it.” This was not only accurate as hell, but I could picture it happening. I could remember conversations where she was re-assuring me (which I shouldn’t have needed in the first place), and the words weren’t landing. It was like the more re-assurance I received, the more I needed. My fear of losing the relationship was so strong that I felt I had to continue to reach for it, to be demanding on what I needed to satiate my attachment style. I know this made my partner feel as if she could never do enough, and that was accurate because I wouldn’t accept it. This was probably one of my biggest mistakes, I didn’t accept the incredible love or believe that she could love me as much as she did. This also is a characteristic of the anxious/preoccupied, negative self-image. If I couldn’t see myself as someone worthy of that love, then how could my partner.

Anxious/preoccupied attachment fears abandonment, seeks approval and validation from their partner, has high levels of anxiety, and sees their partner as their “better half”. They lack the ability to self-regulate, meaning that they cannot control their emotions and the reactions to those feelings. I am not saying that emotions are wrong and that you shouldn’t have them, but one must learn to understand when the emotion is genuine and can be trusted or it is influenced by our attachment style. During times that I was triggered, I know that my reactions were governed by my attachment style. The emotions that I was feeling were not justified, they were scared inner-child throwing a fit and the things that were in my shadow subconsciously coming out. All of these things inside of me, making me feel fear, jealousy, anger, and untrusting. When if I would have had the tools and knowledge that I have today, I could have stopped the reaction, sat with the feeling, thought about it and then proceeded in healthy way.

See, here is a realization that took me way too long to have… She was in love with me. She only had eyes for me. She could be completely trusted, so when she said she loved me, that she wants the relationship, that I am the love of her life, that she thinks about me all the time, that I am the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with… she means every word. I never let that land. I felt it was too good to be true and that there is no way someone can love me like that… I was so wrong! I can be loved that way and I would do anything to feel that kind of love again.

Okay… back to the point…

Just because you have been stuck in one attachment style your whole life, that doesn’t mean that you cannot change. It also doesn’t mean that there aren’t good traits in your attachment style. Let me explain, those who are anxious/preoccupied have great qualities, such as: they can help their partner see themselves in a positive light, they will devote themselves to a relationship, they are willing to work on the relationship, and they can be very observant of the needs of their partner. These are their “superpowers”. The problem is that there is a lot of negative too… but that can be changed as well.

The first thing it takes is awareness of self and mindfulness of our feelings and the way that we react. This is an easy concept to talk about, but difficult to achieve, because in the moment the feeling or emotion feels valid. Take a second and breathe, get a little space between the reaction and how you really feel. Next, practice changing the way you think. Previously, you may have thought that you could not discuss the emotions you were experiencing with your partner because it would upset them. Believe that you partner will hold space for you, as you should hold space for them. This means that if you are experiencing a feeling or emotion and you have already worked on being aware and mindful, you have tried to self-regulate, and you are still conflicted… you can talk to them. They will be there for you in a non-judgmental and supportive way. This doesn’t mean they will agree with you and give you that re-assurance that you need, but they will hear you and fully see you. This is priceless!

Lastly, don’t ever let anger enter your space with your partner. Any feelings you have in this emotion can be thought about and reframed. Communicate in love.

This is also something that I am working on, as it is not the way I want to show-up. Needing of re-assurance, validation, approval, and love is not the way I want to show up or be perceived. I don’t want to be seen as needy or codependent by anyone, especially by my partner and extra especially by myself. This makes me feel horrible inside and incomplete. It is not the wolf that I am meant to be. If someone wants to provide unprovoked re-assurance and validation, that is welcomed, but I can also provide that to myself. I am reframing my attachment style to a healthy one, working toward a secure attachment style while I will continue to keep the good traits of the anxious attachment style. I am rebuilding and I am determined to grow in this way.