Failure?

November 21, 2022

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It has been quite a month. I have experienced growth, progress, setbacks and breakthroughs in ways that I never imagined. It has been pointed out to me that I am not the same person as the one who wrote the blog posts before, that I am not showing up in the way that I said I would, and that I am not following through on being who I said I had become. All of these statements have been extremely difficult to hear because I felt that I had it all under control. Having your shortcomings pointed out to you is never easy. It was my intention to always take that input to heart and use it as a way to continue to improve upon myself. Unfortunately, that is not the way it always works out.

True, when I was learning and having all my incredible realizations, I thought I had this shit down. It was so clear how I wanted to and needed to show up, how if I would respond to triggers and how I could be a better version of myself. All theoretical when there is no opportunity to apply it to a certain situation. Now that I have opportunities to apply all these amazing skills to a situation as it presents itself, I find that it is WAY harder than just imagining it.

I fail and I fail often.

My partner doesn't always show up in the best way, as I imagined she would. This takes my game plan and throws it out the window. The best way I can explain it is to relate it to sports... soccer in particularly. I spent a lot of time learning to play the game, how to know how to dribble the ball, the rules of the game, how to play defense and offense, what to do when faced with a situation. Then I was thrown onto the field and the other players didn't play the same way that I thought they would, they had moves I couldn't prepare for, they had skills I have not even learned about and the plays that came up were nothing I was able to prepare for. So, I tripped over my own feet, I stumbled, and I failed. Time and time again, I learned that all the knowledge and skills that I have obtained mean nothing when faced with a situation where you cannot see how to utilize what you know.

This is when I remembered that saying about Edison and the light bulb. Of course, there are many renditions of this quote, but here is the one that sticks with me.

A reporter asked Edison, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" He replied stating, “I have not failed. I've just found 1,000 ways that won't work.”

Well, I feel the same way about my progress and my journey. I have not failed to show up properly, practice what I have learned, or even be the person I have been becoming. I have actually learned what doesn't work, new ways to look at the upsets, and experienced obstacles in new ways, giving me the opportunity to learn better ways to put what I have learned to use.

Sure, maybe there are better ways for me to have handled many obstacles and yes... I am sure that I have let my partner down, just as I have let myself down. The difference is, I look at each failure as a growth opportunity. A way to challenge myself to do better, to show up differently and to be the person that I have been becoming. Hopefully, others see it the same way.

I am not giving up on myself, I believe in myself more and more every day.

Hopefully, those in my life have the same resolve and continue to believe in me too.

I will get this down; I will be the master of my own destiny and I will be the best teammate on the field that anyone could ask for. It just takes time.