Growing and Healing

September 10, 2022

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During a dinner the other night a discussion took place regarding growing and healing while in relationship. It was really good to hear other points of view and experiences in this subject from other men. Personally, I was relatively clueless since I had never really worked on myself in this way, nor did I think that I had any healing to do. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. It was agreed that growth while in relationship is not only possible, but necessary. We should all be growing, all the time… in relationship or out, it is a critical part of becoming and remaining the best version of ourselves and always being whole and complete.

Healing is a long process in itself and doing it in isolation can be an incredibly difficult task. However, one can obtain the tools and knowledge and skills to begin that process, and continue to work on it in solitude. Once the work has been started, you have gotten in touch with your inner-self, address your triggers and learned how to respond to them, and can show up in a supportive way, then being in relationship is actually very beneficial to the healing process. It can help heal you, because it recreates a scenario or similar situation that allows you to respond differently to the trauma to which you are accustomed. It presents an opportunity to show up differently than you have in the past. You can live differently; you can heal that wounded part of you in such a way that feels extremely liberating.

Basically, it gives you a change to do things differently than you always have.

“If you always do, what you've always done, then you always get, what you've always got"

-Henry Ford

So, from what I have learned through lots of research, healing while in a relationship is possible and beneficial. It requires a great deal of strength, awareness, understanding of self, and willingness, not only from you but from your partner as well. Your partner cannot do the healing for you. It their responsibility to heal you. They should not have to bear and carry the load of your burden. Your partner can support you, witness you, and see you. There is great healing in witnessing shame. Shame is a part of so much of our trauma, pain, and heavy experiences of our past. Sometimes we do need to be on our own and have that space in solitude, not isolation but solitude to do our inner work. This is the way to change your outlook from survive to thrive. To learn and experience new and better ways of dealing with triggers, core wounds, fears and trauma. It is easy to fall back on the familiar pattern, because we just know what it is, but it takes work to prevent that. A life of just surviving is much less appealing that a life of thriving!

Becoming more aware of all that you feel and how you respond, is critical.

Working on yourself and healing while in relationship, requires you to be aware of yourself, of your core wounds, know what triggers you, be willing to look into the depths of your own being, as well as also be there and be willing to support your partner through their stuff. You must be able to show compassion, hold space, be empathetic, be responsible, basically SHOW UP. However, we must do our own inner work. It also requires partners to not project on each other and take ownership of their own part, not being stuck in their shadows and handling their triggers appropriately. This might seem difficult work to do at times, but it is absolutely worth it as you not only heal yourself, but build a much stronger bond with your partner.

I have spent years putting the blame for how I am feeling on others and projecting. The time for that is over. The phrase, “That’s your shit, not mine” is very fitting when I look back on the way I handled myself in the relationship. The feelings that I had, the insecurities, the fear, the self-doubt was all my shit. My partner showed up, was supportive, trustworthy and more than understanding. I projected all of my stuff onto her, and that was absolutely wrong of me. If I would have known then, what I know now and had the tools and knowledge that I do now, I would have been much better at handling my shit. There would have been understanding that the scared little boy was reacting, not the confident, secure man dealing with his emotions and fears. I now have awareness that I didn’t previously have. I now bring a level of awareness around who I am and a consistency in how I show up and respond due to the work I have been doing. Sure, I will still make mistakes, but I will keep doing my own work. However, I will no longer be in, or get to, that intense stage of unravelling myself in front of my partner. All that does is bring unneeded tension to a relationship and causes my partner to act as my therapist, or worse… as my parent. That is absolutely not the role I want in a partner, nor would a partner want to be in that role. Bringing a more complete version of myself and a wholeness into relationship will not only help me to not unravel in front of my partner, but will allow us to unravel together… in a loving, harmonious and authentic way.

All of this possible because I have done and continue to do my inner work