Holding Space: Hold space for your partner to be themselves and feel the way they feel

Holding space for each other is critical, for without it one may feel trapped or controlled. Be present without judgement or any self-serving motives

Holding space does not mean give them space, although that may be necessary as well. It means to make sure that they feel seen and fully heard. You need to be physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. Be there in whatever capacity is necessary and allowing them to feel what they are feeling. Holding this space for your partner allows them to express themselves fully without fear of judgment and let's them know that they are safe and can be vulnerable.

This is something that I have struggled with. I always felt as it it was my place to help, offer advice, or be there in a capacity that was not necessary. It took me a long time to realize that she just needed me to create and hold a safe space for her. She is capable of solving her own problems and has her own way of processing. It was hard to understand that someone wasn't looking for help in understanding or resolving their feelings. My role had always been to help everyone solve their problems, but I learned (and am currently learning) that the best way to show up for someone is to make sure that they always feel like the space is there for them to feel whatever they are feeling and process it themselves.

A little story about how I failed this... a lot!

There have been many occasions when my partner has been going through something. Whether the event pertained to us and our relationship or not, it entered our space because, well... we are partners. I constantly battled the feeling to help or provide advice or side with her (when it didn't pertain to me), but that was not what she was needing. Sometimes she just needed to be allowed time and space to feel her feelings and know that I would be there for her when she was done. Many times I failed, many times I tried to make it about me or included myself to try and resolve the issue for her. We clashed over this time and time again. What I realized was that by not holding that space for her and by trying to resolve the issue, I was making her feel like she couldn't talk to me about anything. If she had a feeling of concern, she couldn't just work it out and know that I would be there for her, loving her, caring for her, and not judging her for the feeling she was having. This blew up in my face many times.

I only learned to hold space for her when I realized that nothing in this world would tear us apart and that I too was safe with her . My own fears of her not being happy or feeling unsafe and the way I was showing up had caused her to feel the exact opposite of what I wanted for her. My attempts to make her happy or feel safe were causing the exact opposite to happen. I made her feel like she couldn't feel what she was feeling, like if she talked to me about it, then I would try to solve the problem or it would cause an upset and that she was trapped.

A little backstory on my life

I have not had the greatest experiences in relationships in the past and I struggle to not bring that into the present. Always being looked to as the provider, problem solver, source of happiness, and person that would always be there if you needed them, has made me act in a way that is damaging to a healthy relationship. If there is a problem, I am going to solve it, fix it, and make everything better so we can move on and be happy, that was always my way of thinking of things. So to take a step back, let others solve their problems, feel the way they feel and realize that I am not the source of their unhappiness or cause for their current feelings, is a difficult concept to accept. I will say that a life of not being responsible for all that and just responsible to hold space for someone, is much easier and fulfilling, although this is a lesson I learned too late. I realize that life is so much more simple when you allow others to take care of themselves. Sadly, it is a lesson I didn't realize until almost 50 years old.

"What does it mean to hold space for someone else? It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.”

― Heather Plett

What to take from this...

The worst feeling a person could have is to be trapped or unsafe in their relationship. If that trapped feeling comes from a lack of their partner holding space for them, then the relationship will not last. Without space to feel your feelings, without the ability to be vulnerable and know that you are loved and supported and not judged, then feelings will bottle up and eventually explode. It is your responsibility to your partner to always provide a safe place for them. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but trust that it is what you both need and that they will feel much better about it. It also will be very freeing, if you are like me and allow you to not try and always be the fixer. I love trusting that that my partner has the capacity and desire to solve her own problems and feel whatever she wants/needs to in the moment and that she also has the trust in me to allow her to do so with support and without judgment.