Never stop

September 19, 2022

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In this journey that I have been on, I feel I have made amazing progress and learn so much. I feel better, I respond better, I have the ability to show up in ways I never did before, And I can sense the progress.

However, it is always very easy to fall back into a pattern of familiarity. Simple to go back and handle things in the same way that I used to, and that is not the person that I desire to be.

I have the most amazing weekend of my entire life. I showed up in ways I could never been able to previously, I held space, and I addressed my triggers in the most healthy way possible. I was feeling so confident and so capable, that I felt truly like I had it all under control.

Then I slipped.

Taking a step backwards, I allowed a buildup of triggers to stop me from processing the actual feeling and the reason behind it. In short, I reacted instead of responding.

This just tells me that I still have work to do to be able to properly address my triggers as they arise. It also tells me that there are situations that may come up that push me out of my comfort zone. In this case, there were a couple triggers that happened in a row that I responded to healthily, but then a third trigger occurred. This caused me to abandon myself. It caused me to fall back into patterns of familiarity. And worst of all, it caused me to no longer show up in the way I've been working on for so long. I felt like I was sliding back down the mountain that I had worked so hard to climb.

The worst part, is that in the moment, I knew that I was reacting but my ego did not let me acknowledge that or own it. Instead of defended my action and let myself down. This was a hard feeling to process because it was a feeling of shame.

I acknowledged the feeling, I felt how it sat in my body, and became aware of myself and the way it made me feel mentally and physically.

So, what does it all mean.....

It means that patterns are familiarity are difficult to break. Feelings that arise from triggers can be handled healthily, but situations may arise that push you to a point where you are unable to handle these triggers appropriately. Being aware that this is a possibility, or that some other situation may arise that causes you to react in a way that is unhealthy, is very important.

You cannot prepare for every situation, especially situations that you are not aware of. We don't know how we will react to a situation that we don't know about. So, remember everything you learn. Remember to breathe through the anxiety and the uncomfortable feeling. Look deep within and see where this feeling is really coming from, because it's very unlikely that it is from the moment. Maybe it is going to be from a situation that happened in the past or something that you worry about will happen in the future. If you are surrounded by love, joy, happiness and high vibration, then you can live in that moment. The moment is all that is important.

Once you've looked deep within, you have a decision to let go of any response to the trigger or discuss the trigger with your partner and know that they will hold space for you as they recognize you have been doing your inner-work. Do not expect them to hold space for you if you are simply reacting without processing.

I will never stop doing my work and I will continue to experience situations that I could not anticipate. With practice, time, and knowledge, I am certain that I can consistently handle my triggers and always show up in the best way possible. It is a process, a learning experience, and a beautiful journey. Enjoy every moment of it because the moments are all we have.