Shadow work - part 2 (Core wounds)

September 5, 2022

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From what I am learning, our shadow-self is created through events that we have been through in our lives. It comes about as a survival mechanism, a way to protect ourselves so that we don’t get hurt. Everyone has had different experiences growing up. Some of us remember exactly what has caused them to develop and others do not. I was in the latter category. In fact, up until my partner talked to me about doing shadow work, I had idea that it even existed not to mention where these would have come from.

Shadow work is how we integrate the aspects of our unconscious psyche into our conscious experience and allow the positive aspects of the shadow self to express themselves. When properly used and channeled, the shadow self has traits that you can use to further your own personal development. Simply put, we are becoming aware, of what we were not previously aware of. However, when not properly channeled, the shadow can also be destructive or guide you toward a learned path of familiarity.

The origin of the aspects of the shadow typically come from core wounds… wounds that we have endured at a young age. In my own inner-work, I have determined that I have become a people pleaser and have abandonment issues. The abandonment issues are still being looked into, but from what I have been able to ascertain through therapy, research, inner-work and a lot of discussion with people in my life, I have felt this way since a very young age. Between the moving, the infidelity, my father being away often for work, and the revolving friends, this fear that people that I care about will no longer be in my life has developed. Living in fear that the people I love will leave me is terrifying and not a feeling that serves me. It prevents me from being present as I am constantly worried about the past and what will happen in the future. I choose to address this immediately so that I can enjoy the time I get with the people that matter and be fully present during those times. I just hope that it isn’t too late to show some people that this is how I choose to live my life now and that the old way that I was showing up, is no more.

As for being a people pleaser is something that I did not even realize that I was doing most of the time. I was giving away my power and adding value to somebody else in exchange for their love, support, validation, etc. It was an exchange so to speak… If I can make you happy or be helpful, then you will want to keep me around and give me what I have failed to give myself. This carried on into adulthood because I never knew any better. I didn’t know to address this so that it wouldn’t dictate the way that I live my life. I was not able to provide the approval and validation from within, so I looked to others for this. This has been an exhausting way of living my whole life. Especially since my partner was willing and happy to love me, want me, and appreciate me even when I wasn’t being this people pleaser. She loved the real me, not the me that had something to offer in exchange. This revelation would have been great to have before I managed to screw things up. In hind sight, seeing that her love was so true and so genuine and that she chose me every day because of who I really was… what was the purpose of me trying so hard to keep that by being a people pleaser. I already had it! I just didn’t know any other way to be… this was my persona. I valued validation and significance over being authentic, which had me not being my authentic self. Now that I am aware of this, I have the chance to see it differently and switch it around. Be authentic, bold or even polarizing, as opposed to having to be what people want me to be, or what I think that they want me to be. It is not about suppressing emotions or feeling emotions, it is about actually feeling it but being aware that you are feeling it. AWARENESS IS THE KEY.

In fact, not being aware isn’t the worst thing you can do… ignoring it once you are aware, is.

I have learned through research and therapy, the effects of ignoring your shadow are very similar to those of narcissistic behaviors. They can include the following:

· Self-loathing or poor self-esteem

· Self-deceit and deceiving others

· Anxiety and depression

· Offensive behavior toward others

· Struggling to have healthy relationships with others

· Self-sabotage

· Self-absorption

· An inflated ego

So, let’s see which of these has fit me in the past… I would say all of them, except offensive behavior toward others, self-absorption and inflated ego. This is not a happy way to live life, trust me. Now that I see what was previously in my blind spot, I can address it, I can learn from it, and I can choose to live in a different way.

It is now that I realize that every shadow side has a positive intent. For example, abandonment issues may come from not being included so the positive intent is so that doesn’t happen again and so you are included. Behind every negative action, there is a positive intent. The goal of shadow work is to look for that positive intent, reframe it to yourself as an adult, and then be able to move forward.

So, with that being said… let’s see how this could be looked at differently. If I am feeling worried that the incredible love that I am feeling from my partner will one day be taken away from me, how did I react in the past? I would do whatever she wanted, try and make her happy, giving up all of my masculine energy. Then worry about the what-ifs… what if she isn’t happy, what if she decides that she doesn’t want me anymore, what if she is pleased with me, and so on, just living in fear and worried about what could happen. Not at all enjoying what is happening. This would cause a needy energy to come out. Needy for love, attention, reassurance, acknowledgement, etc. These are all ugly and just turns the situation into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would become someone that is not appealing to be around, that would need constant reassurance, that would suck the energy out of the relationship. Like I said… UGLY!

What would be a better way to see the positive in the same situation? Be aware of the origin of the feelings. Understand that she is in love with me deeply, that she has chosen me, that the moment that we are living is incredible and if we can both enjoy it fully, then neither of us would want to diminish the relationship. Enjoy what is happening and the what-ifs will take care of themselves. Nobody ends a relationship when everything is perfect, present and beautiful. Everyone can find things to worry about, that is easy… but it is not fulfilling. What is fulfilling is living your life, experiencing the moment, and being fully present… not just for the person you are with, but for yourself as well.

What does all this have to do with my shadow work???? Well, the reasons that I was not able to be authentic were caused by my shadow-self, the reason I couldn’t be present was caused by my shadow-self, the reason that I was anxious or worried… yep, caused by my shadow-self. Getting rid of these shadows is not the answer, acknowledging them, accepting that they are a part of you and then understanding where they come from, is the answer. If I can understand why I feel the way I feel, then I can deal with it. I could understand that I don’t have to fear that this incredible relationship, could be taken from me, and I definitely do not have to act in a way that causes just that. The shadow-self can be a saboteur if you just keep pushing these feelings down, keeping them hidden while they run the show subconsciously and not dealing with them or trying to understand them. A supportive partner will hold space for you to feel the feelings that arise, discuss them with you if you wish, and never judge you for feeling the way you do. If you are open to accept what a supportive partner will offer, then together you may find a better way to not allow these thoughts and feelings to run your life. But first, you must accept yourself. This level of awareness will benefit you greatly, and eventually the shadows will no longer need so much attention, as you will start living in a much better way.