The catalyst

August 18, 2022

My partner and I have been in a relationship for sometime now and constantly running into issues. Don't get me wrong, the relationship was incredible and when it was good, there was nothing that could compare. Sadly, these good times would be interrupted and we would run into an issue that would feel greater than all the good times. We would work through it, gain perspective and things would get right back on track. Most of the time, whatever the issue pertained to seemed to be the smallest and most insignificant thing. In all reality, every issue arose from my internal issues, my baggage, my triggers.... basically, the person I was showing up as. There was never any loss of love between the two of us, we didn't fall out of love, and we don't dislike each other in any way. The problem was that I could not be the person that I needed to be, the equal partner in the relationship... I was not whole.

Well, we broke up. When we met for me to gather my things, we had a beautiful conversation, full of support, caring, love and compassion. We never struggled with the intellectual relationship, so it was really nice to have one last meaningful conversation with her. She is so wise and educated when it comes to understanding emotion, triggers, and the way we are... I was always feeling like I could never truly be her equal. This was of no fault of her own, it was because I was new to understanding all of this myself. She never tried to "teach" but she always helped me understand.

During this last conversation, and even a bit before through work on my own, I realized that I am not ready for a relationship this incredible. I am not complete or whole and I have a lot of work to do to get to a point that I can come complete to a relationship. I need to do that work so I can feel good about myself, change my ways of dealing with triggers, be happy because I am complete, and then and only then will I be someone that could enter a relationship as an equal partner.

It is important to note, I am doing this work because it is what is best for me, because I choose to become a better version of myself and because I no longer wish to be stuck in the past, in the ways I have shown up, and want to become whole. All of this for myself because life without this feeling is always needing something, I don't want to come from a place of needing, I want to live in abundance.

There are a lot of things that I need to work on to become the person I want to be... This journey is not going to be quick or easy, but it will be exciting and rewarding.

So what was the catalyst?

What made me realize that life the way I have been living needs to change?

What made me get off my ass and become the person I want to be?

She was the catalyst and losing the greatest relationship I have ever had made me wake up and see that life needs to change. Yes, I would have realized this one day on my own, but having an awakening like that puts things into perspective. I am not entering this journey for her or to win her back, I am taking this journey for me, to win myself back and to stop being controlled by the events or stories of my past. I am very grateful to have her open my eyes like she did and to wish me well on my journey, that's exactly what I needed.

To achieve wholeness and wellness, one must give equal attention to the Mind, Body and Spirit. This is the story of my journey to become whole and complete.