Up days and down days

August 20, 2022

I am realizing that not every day is going to be easy. I am not only looking inward and trying to work on myself, but I am also experiencing loss. One thing is difficult enough, two can be overwhelming.

I had an incredible meditation last night, went out to enjoy some food with a couple great people and had an incredible mindset. When I returned to my house, it hit me that this is the first weekend that I would spend without my partner. I began to think about the amazing times we had, the love we shared and the feeling of holding her at night. Of course, this all made me sad and miss her tremendously.

It was at this point that I decided to journal a bit about what I was feeling. In this process, I found that I was missing our connection and the memories of times we spent. But in thinking of those times, I realized how lucky I was to have so many great memories and experiences with her. It also made me realize that if I ever want something like that in the future, then I need to work hard on becoming someone that can show up for their partner in a way that is needed and honor the relationship.

I decided to follow advice that I came across, and choose how I want to feel in that moment. I can lay there missing her, pining for her and reminiscing about the amazing times we spent together... or I could be grateful for all that I was able to experience and choose to look forward at a future where I am complete and happy all by myself.

She once told me that two people need to be whole before they come together, that it is neither person's responsibility to help the other become whole, and that a great relationship can only happen when both show up complete and not needing anything. That is the path that I choose for myself.

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I see it as one single path of life and at each time there is a choice, I am standing on a narrow bridge. There is the path that I have been on, a path that is dark and ominous looking... where the trees have no leaves, it is rocky, there is no life, and it looks haunted. Haunted with memories of the past, previous reactions, insecurities and doubt.

When I look the other direction on the path, the future that has not yet been written, I see a beautiful, easy to walk on, full of life, beautiful trees, flowers, and sunshine.

My choices are to turn back and head down the dark and scary path, or to move forward down the beautiful path. Well, the past has not served me, it is not a fun or beautiful place to be and the future looks amazing and enjoyable. The choice is simple... never go back to the path that you are trying to change. If it didn't work well in the past and just brought pain and misery, then what would make it work now. Yes, it is easy to head back toward what is familiar, but it is not the best choice.

So I decided to forget about the bad feelings, the concerns and worrying if she is safe. I trust that she is doing what she needs to do for herself and that she trusts that I am doing the same. That we are both choosing ourselves and that we will eventually be better off for it.

Once I chose this path, everything felt lighter. I wasn't worried or concerned about anything. I could return my focus inward and put my energy back into healing myself. I finished journaling for the night, went to bed feeling very good and got a great night's sleep.

The next morning I started the day with a cup of coffee, some positive affirmation meditation and set an intention for the day. Today, I am going to only experience the good that serves me, ignore what I cannot control and accept what I cannot change. I will send loving and positive energy to those in my life and move forward knowing that I am choosing the right path.