Vulnerability

September 11, 2022

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I have spent a good part of the day going over notes that I have made from previous research, watching and re-watching videos, and re-reading portions of books all pertaining to the topic of vulnerability. Working hard to fit all of the information in a box so that I could write a little something about it. In doing this, I realized that I was working so hard on trying to understand it, when the truth is, I already do.

I can remember when I was growing up being told things like, "Don't be a cry baby", "Be a man", "Men don't cry". As boys, we are conditioned to hold in our fears, our pains, our worries and our concerns. We are told to "man up" whenever we would be vulnerable and that vulnerability equates to weakness. Our parents passed that on to us because that is what they learned from their parents. It doesn't make it right and I don't blame my father, he didn't know any better. He had no idea what a disservice he was doing to me and my development as a young man. I am no longer a young man and now I have the tools and knowledge to change that way of thinking.

Being vulnerable does not refer to weakness or exposing your weaknesses. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Being vulnerable means that you have the courage to put yourself out there. Whether it is courage to express to someone that you are interested in them, or courage to expose your fears and insecurities to someone, being vulnerable is a quality that is critical to living a life in authenticity.

Vulnerability should not be seen as a hindrance or weakness, but as a path to freedom. There's so much value in learning to be vulnerable, firstly with ourself, and of course then with others, because if it we’re not completely vulnerable with others, then we're missing a key component of being truly seen. If we don’t embrace our vulnerability, then we go through life wearing masks or shielding ourselves. There is no freedom in hiding who you truly are or feeling shame for your feelings or fears. Being vulnerable allows us to deepen our intimacy with others, trust others, and be trusted because we are being authentic. When you are vulnerable, you speak, express, communicate, embody your truth.

Brené Brown speaks to the subject of vulnerability and says that in order for a deep meaningful connection to happen, then we must allow ourselves to be truly seen and have a deep sense of worthiness. She indicates that you must have the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to yourself first and then others, and be authentic. You must be willing to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be who you truly are. She also believes that fully embracing vulnerability means that you believe that what makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful. It may not be comfortable all the time, but it is necessary.

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness."

- Brené Brown

For years, I have valued other people’s approval and validation over being vulnerable, changing the person I was or hiding how I felt, to make other people happy. I was afraid of show what I really thought or how I really felt. This would also screw up my polarity, I would not be in my masculine energy as I would tune myself to the people that I was around. Habitually checking in with those around me to make sure they were happy or that everything was okay. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I could express the real me and know that it would be met with acceptance. Unfortunately, valuing other’s approval and validation was a hard habit to break and many times I would fail to hold my power and fall back into a familiar pattern, shielding myself or wearing masks. Being able to express the real me, my feelings, desires, and fears, is much more liberating than trying to make others happy while looking for their validation and approval.

Vulnerability is literally, the ability to show your wound. It is the ability to express and show the real you. I have been working very hard to be vulnerable and can distinctly remember the first time it happened, how good that felt, and how happy it made my partner to see the real me. It brings a tear to my eye when I think back to that night, how liberated I felt, how authentic I was being, and how good it felt to have her hold space for me the way that she did. She has always been great about that. As I said in a previous post, I had no idea what to do with that space. It never occurred to me that I could bring up my fears and feelings and that they would be accepted, appreciated and they could be openly discussed. The problem that I have had is remaining vulnerable and not falling back into the people pleaser mentality, where I would hide the real me in an attempt to make sure everyone else was good. Before, I always felt shame around these feelings, that there was something wrong with me or that I was broken and others would reject me. My new way of life is much different. I choose to surround myself with those that accept me for who I am, people that will hold space for me and people who live their lives in authenticity as well.

It is good to be vulnerable, authentic, honest, compassionate and open. It is okay to be emotional when being vulnerable, it isn't easy, but it is very much worth it.

And YES, It is okay to cry.