What's new

September 27, 2022

---

So much has happened and I have been thinking about how to discuss it all on the blog.

On the 16th of September I received a message from my partner. I was terrified to open it. I imagined that all the horrible things that I had imagined were waiting for me to read in that single unopened message. I saw the notification and threw my phone down, my heart began to race, I became extremely anxious and feared what she had to say. After being in the dark for so long, having no contact and just waiting for the worst-case scenario, the only thing I thought the message would say was that she had decided that this relationship was not for her and that she never wanted to see me again. I had imagined that the entire time apart, she was getting over me, finding reason after reason to not want a life with me, and working on herself in ways that did not take into consideration a life with me. After a bit of time, I realized that she had already sent the message and said what she wanted to say, all I was doing at this point was delaying the inevitable.

With great reluctance, I grabbed my phone and opened the message. The message started out pretty cold, explaining that she would not be attending an event that we were planning on going to together. To be honest, I expected that to be the case, but I was still holding out hope that she would be there. Then it got better, she told me that she missed me, that I was on her mind and in her heart, and that she was longing for me. This absolutely melted my heart and I was able to breathe. Then the message went a bit cold again, explaining that seeing each other is not good for us. She also explained that she was back in town and focusing on things that needed her attention (personal growth, work, etc.) and that she still feels like the time apart is critical. This, followed by telling me that the message was not an invitation to engage, which really hurt. However, then she followed it by telling me that she loved me, was proud of me and that I inspire her. So, as you can see, this was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in itself.

I sat with the message for a bit, not knowing if I should respond or not. After some time passed, I felt that acknowledging her statements was the best thing to do, as I didn’t want her to feel as if she wasn’t heard or appreciated. I responded by acknowledging what she said, explaining what was going on in my life, and letting her know that I am still in love with her, working hard to be able to show up better in the relationship, and that I am still wanting her in my life. Being very careful not to overstep my bounds and respect her boundaries, while still imparting information to her that I felt she would want to know. To my surprise, she wrote back. This began a chat conversation that lasted 5 hours and went wonderfully. I was able to practice all of the skills I have been learning, held space for her throughout the conversation, and felt incredible about it all.

At the end of the conversation, she asked me if I would join her for dinner that evening. It felt amazing to be invited back into her life and it was all I had been wanting for so long. Obviously, I accepted, made the reservation at our favorite spot and sent her the information. If I am being completely honest, I cried a lot during this conversation. I felt so happy to be seen and heard again, I couldn’t hold back my tears.

That night we met at the restaurant, had a wonderful dinner and talked for hours. We connected again, but this time on a level that we had never even knew existed. She admitted that she had been reading my blog and that it was the reason that she felt like she could safely contact me again. She saw the work, the progress and the drive that I have in my journey and it appealed to her. The night was incredible! We had a drink at our favorite bar and then she asked me to come back to her place. Yes, I was hoping that I would have the opportunity to hold her in my arms and was really wanting her to ask, but I would have been okay if she would have decided that the night should end with me dropping her off and not coming in.

I held her tightly all night. This was my dream coming true. I didn’t sleep that night because I didn’t want to miss one second of the experience.

It turns out that I spent the time apart worrying so much about her not wanting a life with me, making myself miserable, and torturing myself with all of the possible negative outcomes, all the while she was missing me, dreaming of a life with me too, and working toward making that happen. In my blog, I have discussed trust and the meaning behind it. The problem is that I didn’t trust that she wanted the same things I did (mostly because I was in the dark and powerless to find out differently). This should not be my excuse though. During our time apart, I trusted that I wanted a life with her and I should have trusted that she wanted the same thing. This was part of my issue with self-worth, I felt that she did not see me as worthy of her. I know that I had my issues, that my core wounds needed healing, and that I needed to do some work. In all reality, I did not feel as if I could show up as an equal partner or be what she deserved. This is all different now!

I am worthy of her love, respect and admiration. I am much closer to being complete than I ever have been and I know that I can show up for her in the healthiest way possible (most of the time). There will be times I stumble, but I trust that she will be there for me, holding my hand through the storm and that when we come through the other side, we will be stronger than before.

Every day is now full of amazing moments and our lives together will be full of endless opportunities to make incredible memories as long as we appreciate the moments, in the moment. We are both working on always remaining present, and it is just that simple. Being present allows us to appreciate what we have and will lead to moment after moment of a beautiful life together.

I love her more now that I ever did before and each day our love grows and grows. There is no limit to the love that we share and we are very happy together.

My journey will continue forever, as will my growth, the difference is that now we have the opportunity to grow with each other, side-by-side and in the same direction. Like two big beautiful trees!