WTF is going on with us

August 28, 2023

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It's been a long time since I've spent some time on myself and written in this blog. It is definitely time to get back to my writing.

Lately, we have been struggling to remain in a good space, to live life in joy, happiness and love. It feels like we spend a good amount of time where everything feels incredible and where nothing could come into our space. Then all of the sudden, whoop... there it is.

Lately it feels like when something comes up, we completely lose the ability to communicate. We revert to children and fight like cats and dogs. We don't think rationally and we fight from our emotions.

We both know what needs to be done, we know the steps we need to take, but something constantly gets in the way. Maybe it can be ego, fear of being wrong or at blame, or in my case fear of disappointing and losing my partner.

I try so hard to be consistent in how I show up, to be present to myself and others and let her know that I'm safe, willing, consistent and able.

When I am able to do all these things, I am fully in my power. I know she feels that and loves that.

The problem is, I am dictated to by unconscious forces and they can be strong.

Sacred union allows us to grow into who we are always meant to be through each other, support each other, see each other with nonjudgment and compassion, and loving each other. But first, we must do our work, our shadow work to be exact, to be able to accept ourselves and see who we really are. Accept everything that we are.

Our wholeness comes from within and once it's felt, the desperate energy, codependence, and fear dissipate and become manageable and a choice I have.

Once you are not being dictated to by unconscious forces that are grounded in unhealthy patterns developed as a child, you can make the unconscious conscious, make the unknown know, and then you have the ability to choose.

This is the only way love can flourish.

So, how does this all apply to what the fuck is going on now???

Well, tonight I absolutely saw the ugly shadow self come out and say stupid shit, be mean, and mistreat the woman I love. The feelings I experienced tonight absolutely came from childhood trauma. I know what happens when fights escalate to a certain point, divorce. That's not the life I want to live or the life I want for my partner.

Radical acceptance of your shadow-self and understanding are critical. Once you have this, you can take back control and understand where all those feelings come from.

With understanding cones choice and with healthy choices comes growth.

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I have been so removed from understanding and acceptance of my shadow that growth hasn't been an option. As I am learning now, if you're not moving forward in your journey, you are stagnant. If you are not doing anything to maintain, you slide back into your old ways.

Keep doing the work, you are worth it and your partner deserves it.

A phrase from my childhood keeps coming to mind...

"Don't be a fool, stay in school"

Mr. T

My life is my school, my journey contains my lessons, my resources are unbelievably vast, my support group is incredible, and with hard work, I have amazing results. If I ignore all the resources available and think I have learned enough, then I am a fool.