You can't go back...

September 13, 2022

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I needed to clear my head a bit, so I decided to take a drive. I had no destination in mind, just getting out and driving. I put on some music, nice and loud, and and drove. Instinctively, I drove towards town, taking the familiar path that I've driven so many times before. Immediately I realized that I was headed in the direction that I wanted to be.

My life has been a rollercoaster lately, with getting divorced, going through heartbreak from being separated from my partner, and focusing all of my attention on becoming a better version of myself, I haven't had time to just mindlessly do something. This is the first time I didn't overthink something that I was doing, and it ended up taking me in the direction that I really wanted to be, but can't.

Your subconscious mind is extremely powerful and it can make you do things or say things that you are not aware of. Learning to be more aware of myself and mindful of my thoughts and actions has allowed me to have real time realizations as to the reasons behind how I feel and what I do.

As I approached the turn that I would usually take to go to her house, I felt my heart race, my chest get a little tighter, and a tingling in my hands. This was the anxiety creeping back in. I'm not really sure why I was feeling anxious, but I know that that's not a feeling that I enjoy and it does not serve me. I drove past and got down to the boardwalk where I found a place to park. I say in the car for a moment focusing on my breath before I got out.

Now, I am sitting and watching people go by, living their lives, loving their partner, and enjoying the beautiful weather. All the while, I sit here feeling as if I don't know what to do and that I screwed up beyond repair. This reminded me of something I saw today. It was a simple quote, but yet it meant so much and really applies right now.

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start from where you are and change the ending"

- C. S. Lewis

I can't go back and change my actions or my behaviors of the past. What is done, is done. However, I can change how my story ends, at least my part. This is what I've been focused on for the past month and this is the path that I have chosen. It is my journey to become better, to become complete that will change the way that my story ends.

We all have things that we wish we could have changed in our past, but that is simply impossible. The best we can do is make the change today that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. I control the way that I am being, I control my responses to my feelings and emotions, I control the way that I choose to show up in the world. Other than that, there is nothing else I can control... And that is okay. Sure, I wish I could control how this story will play out, but I can't. I just have to trust that it will play out.

Each day I work harder and harder on myself, each day I learn something new, I have an opportunity to show up differently, and I have a choice to make. That choice is simple, go back on the path that has not served me in the past, or proceed down the path that is promising, beautiful, and full of love and joy.

Today was a difficult day, but I still took two steps forward even if I did take one step backwards.

I will sit here and ponder how I could have done things differently today, spend some time enjoying what is around me, and working on being present.